“The truth is, we tend to train people how we want to be treated. If others know you have wishy-washy boundaries then they are free to walk all over you; the results…you become a doormat. We have actually trained others to do this when we will allow people to wipe their muddy feet on us.” ~David W. Earle
How does a codependent make decisions?
She finds a strength somewhere deep inside that allows her to finally take a stand, and then she plays it out…the life she was always meant to live…Read an excerpt about my own tango with co-dependency from my newly released book, The Chance to Choose:
The unnatural liaison began the day of my second abortion, which is such a great day to make decisions, right?
While lying on the couch, I commanded my heart to close up behind chunky concrete walls. That was about the same moment I whispered, “You’re a loser.” Ironically, seconds later, the doorbell rang. Special delivery! Mike sent a bouquet of flowers.
I always knew Mike had more in mind than friendship, but he patiently remained a sincere companion, until making a bold move this particular day. He was not the father, but had been a very dear friend for several years. We worked together—kindness and courtesy built that friendship, not similar likes, personality, or choice of activity. Mike wasn’t adventurous, was practically afraid of his own shadow, didn’t care for the outdoors, or going anywhere, for that matter.
Anything beyond friendship should have remained absurd, but remember, I was comfortable with absurdity.
All he really lived for was his paycheck, cashed in for the next party, deadening his own deep childhood pains and the loss of his mother. She wasn’t old, but she had cancer, and the tumor took her life. The whole family carried her weak body into a healing service at a crusade of sorts. I think desperately near the end, when doctors gave up, Mike’s dad and three sons tried taking his mother to several revivals. Not knowing anything, Mike figured that if God were real, He would have easily healed his mom on the spot.
That made sense to me then.
That was the only conversation we ever had about a Father neither of us knew.
I wonder if the pastors who slap hands on the forehead of people ever think about the ones who leave not healed. At least in this case, Mike and his brothers moved out and tried to survive the pain of a dead mother by nightly numbing themselves with drugs and massive amounts of alcohol. Loud music and poison, that’s what happened to those boys.
There was one thing Mike did offer me. Safety. I knew Mike would not be a one night stand and he would love me while I was wounded, dead, and spiritless on the couch. He would not question or challenge my walled-off heart, because his was wounded, too.
I’m all for loving someone unconditionally, but what I didn’t see in the beginning was that he preferred to freeze me in childlike habits.
He never wished for my healing.
It was better for him if I remained juvenile in thought and emotion, locked up inside without friends of my own and no place to go. The signs were there long before I could see them, but it was when I faced these two crossroads that the abnormal finally became quite clear.
In his opinion, going to India was laughable! And visiting my aunt and uncle in Washington was far too risky, as well.
After three long years, this was our first major fight, because I finally came alive to whom I was created to be and where I was supposed to go.
Fear was at the root of his refusal, because Mike realized that I was about to gallop. He was adamantly opposed to the idea and even said, “I can’t let you go. What if you meet someone else?”
I chuckle out loud, even now, because I didn’t just meet someone; I met my husband, Adam, on that sacred journey. How can I ever explain the magic? Enchantment still runs through my veins.
Experiencing his smile and vibrancy was like rubbing a fist against the frosty window of an apathetic cabin I’d been trapped in for years.
I felt as if I were relating to another in a real way for the first time. Breathing deeply the fresh, clean air atop Hurricane Ridge above the small town of Port Angeles, Washington, with Adam’s jocular charm at my side, it was as if I was seeing clearly now where I had been blind before.
This is where I started to play it out—the life I was supposed to live—the moment I looked into his steely-blue eyes. Those eyes today still remind me of truth.
What I can’t stress enough, is that I lived outside of my own ancient paths and the ancient paths of God for far too many years. But it was those three long years with Mike when I lived diametrically opposed to the little girl who used to sit on the grass gathering thoughts about the reality of God.
So no, both life-altering decisions did not come easily at all. It was a time of deep digging, uprooting, finding that girl once again and making the choice to stand.
It took “looking,” as we learned in Step 1, to suddenly envision how my life could have played out if I remained cemented in dysfunction: life in an apartment washing plain white t-shirts, while I napped on saggy furniture, smelling stale beer.
No fresh air to breathe, or blue eyes to penetrate my core, because the outside world was too tricky.
I had to stand against Mike. For the first time in years (maybe in my life), I refused to listen to the voices down in the pit. The decision was barely breathing within, but thankfully I made that choice. What followed that decision was deliverance beyond my wildest dreams!
Freedom brings with it a universe of possibility.What we do with freedom, with opportunity, with truth, writes the end of our story.
Those two crossroads marked the end of my first life and the beginning of my second. Little did I know that even the truest part of me, re-discovered on the mountains of the Pacific Northwest in the arms of my one true love, would again have to face a different kind of death and that the killing would take place on the other side of the world…
Codependents react, but rarely take action. They react to circumstances, to pain, to struggle, but don’t determine ahead of time–through determined boundaries–on what principles they will stand.
Do you need to take a stand today? Is the life you were meant to live just one or two decisions away?
For a complete guide to help you make these life altering decisions, it’s important to get the whole story and understand the entire teaching behind The Jeremiah Method™. To order your copy of this guidebook, simply click here for my online store. Or order your eBook version through Kindle, Nook, or Apple iBook by searching, The Chance to Choose, by Kim Galgano. Begin the walk away from c0-dependency today.
“Kim Galgano, and her husband Adam, are the real deal. This has been evidenced since my wife and I met them in 1994. One of the primary indicators is the example of their marriage and their children. That alone should get your attention. Anyone with a vibrant marriage and emotionally healthy children should be listened to. Kim now takes her skills and applies them to a book that is helpful for BOTH men and women. The Chance to Choose is both captivating, practical, and seasoned with real life wisdom and Biblical insight.” Dave Stuart, FamilyLife Event Planner
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